couples, intimacy, marriage, Relationship

Why Most Men Resist Couples Counseling

Self portrait before I ever went to counseling. "No really, I'm fine."

Self portrait before I ever went to counseling. "No really, I'm fine."

We men are a funny breed.

We claim we don’t want or need much help in most areas of life, yet just below the surface we are often a little lost, in some degree of pain, or very confused. “I’m fine.” is our tag line. And saying I’m fine on top of a more genuine experience of “not fine” is what pisses our partners off.

In my view, our outdated stoicism comes at a heavy price. The more we “ suck it up,” the more we lose out in life. The more we resist change when our partners want us to grow, the more the gap widens between us.

So, when our relationships start to tank or get difficult, we might bail, shut down, leak out energy with other women, blame the woman, or move on. If we are with a dynamic woman who is open to spiritual and personal growth, or who simply wants a deeper relationship or a better sex life, she will undoubtedly ask for help at some point and it won’t be a huge hurdle to do so.

Then, she might ask us to come and “work on the relationship.” Our immediate response is likely to get defensive or say no. The more she pushes us to see a therapist or coach, the more we dig our heels in. She then might walk on egg shells around us, or she might try to change us in her subtle ways.

But men are not born resistant to get help or even seek support.  I work with plenty of courageous men who are willing look in the mirror and get very honest. Okay, then what is going on here?

Both the woman and man are up against the same monster issue.

This issue is the boy code, bro code, and man code. In other words, the gender straightjacket.

Our biggest obstacle as men is our conditioning.

Our outdated views and approach to masculinity are keeping us in a prison.

So, if and when you want to bring your man in for some couple’s counseling and he resists, know what you are up against. And don’t necessarily blame him. Yes, he has a choice, but he likely doesn’t even know that.

If he doesn’t want to come in and trying to change him doesn’t work, keep being the inspiring woman that you are and work on yourself.

Stay tuned for more on this complex (yet common) relationship issue. In the meantime, feel free to leave your comments/thoughts below.

For further reading, be sure to read The Boy Code–Why the Men are the Way They Are

and.. A Man’s Biggest Fear–that he won’t admit.

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  1. Feel Your Feelings | JaysonGaddis.com - December 13, 2011

    [...] Moreover, men who shut down or stuff their feelings remain emotionally constipated and have very little facility or freedom when it comes to intimacy. Then, they keep resisting actual help like couples counseling. [...]

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